Brogan’s Story

After much prayer, my husband, Brandon, and I decided that we wanted to add another “arrow” to our family (Psalm 127:4). We were blessed with three brave girls and still felt like God was calling us to be parents again. On April 11, 2016, I took a test, and surprisingly my honored eyes read: pregnant. I just started giggling and crying simultaneously. Thanking God, and feeling honored that He would entrust another one of His children to us. I was thankful to be nauseous and loved eating anything fried.

My appointments leading up to our 20-week ultrasound showed a strong heartbeat and good growth. We took our girls with us to the ultrasound so we could allow them to experience our sweet baby growing. As the technician completed the ultrasound, something felt off. She didn’t say anything. Half assured, I went out to the waiting room to wait for our scheduled appointment with my obstetrician.

The nurse came into our room and said to our girls, “Do you want to come and get some stickers?”

I looked at Brandon and said, “This isn’t good.”

When my obstetrician walked in, I said the same thing to her and she said, “No, it is not good at all.”

My heart dropped, my body shook, the tears fell, and I just could not even believe what I was being told. On the ultrasound, they saw that our baby had multiple abnormalities, but they could not determine the exact diagnosis. Our obstetrician knew we would not want to terminate, but she is required to voice the option. There was no question—our baby was alive, moving, and growing inside of me. We were referred to a maternal fetal medicine doctor where we learned our son, Brogan, was suffering from Bladder Outlet Obstruction. We were ready to forge ahead as parents, and go to Cincinnati where they specialize in this diagnosis.

At this point, our original maternal fetal medicine doctor had given up on Brogan’s life and the enemy attempted to steal our hope. We chose to see past the enemy and focus on God’s purpose in Brogan’s life. In our lives, hope had a whole new meaning now. Soon after our ultrasound, we clung to Hebrews 6:19: “We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain.” From then on, anchors seemed to show up all around us because we had this verse on our hearts. Reminders of the hope we have in the Lord. Hope that was greater than anything the world could provide us.

The Lord led us through the deep waters of this entire process. In Cincinnati, we felt great hope for Brogan’s life as we learned that many of the abnormalities seen in our first ultrasound were non-existent. We also learned that there were opportunities for fetal procedures to be done to greaten Brogan’s chances of life. We prayed and prayed over our decisions to go forward with fetal procedures. If we did—there would be risk. If we didn’t—there was already risk. The first step was to drain sweet Brogan’s kidneys, and insert fluid into the amniotic sac. Prayerfully seeking wisdom, we decided to move forward with this procedure. When we checked into our hotel, the necklace of the woman at the service desk was an anchor. Amidst the difficulty of our decision about the procedure, it was a reassuring reminder that He was present with us in unchanging hope.

As we waited for the procedure, I prayed, “Please God, give me Your overwhelming peace, and if we are not meant to be here—be bold in helping me with discernment.”

I will never forget the moment after praying; the “ick” in my stomach shifted, and I felt peace surrounding us. This procedure was successful. The next week, we were approached with a procedure that would place what’s called a “shunt” into Brogan’s kidneys and allow them to be a direct output of fluid. We took time to sit and pray for clear discernment from God to move forward. We firmly said that we will only act in benefit for Brogan and not our own hearts. We made the decision to move forward with the procedure. That night, I was feeling overwhelmed that no matter the decision I made—there was a risk. It was late, and this mama wanted French toast, but all the places we found were closed. Brandon called the front desk. They suggested a place called The Anchor Grille! We cried as we felt God surround us in this restaurant covered in anchors. The next morning, the procedure was a success. Still, I was nervous. Brandon came in after talking with our doctor, and I could see he was filled with disbelief. He said he asked the doctor why the shunt had curly threads instead of straight threads. The doctor replied, “The curly threads act as an anchor to hold the shunt secure.” As our hearts trusted in God, He faithfully reminded us that both the future and present are in His hands; He was guiding us into His will for our lives. Little did I know—not only did moments like these bring comfort at that present time, but also would in the future as I walked through my earthly life with my boy in heaven.

Three days later, at 25 weeks and 2 days into my pregnancy, I got out of bed and saw my water had broken. I was devastated. Once the doctor confirmed that my water had broken, they were shocked when we told them that I had just had saline injections because the fluid was actual amniotic fluid. This means Brogan’s kidneys were in fact making amniotic fluid—God’s work. I was admitted and would be there for as long as my body would carry Brogan. Fear set in as I thought about the unknowns ahead of us. For three days, I was on medication to stop labor and also strengthen Brogan’s body. When it was suggested for me to wean off of the medicine, my body was soon ready to labor my son. It all progressed quickly, and within a couple of hours it was time to deliver. As they wheeled me to the operating room, I just kept saying the names “Brogan” and “Jesus” name aloud. Once we entered the room, God’s peace prevailed. My body was in a position where I knew it was time to bring life into this world again. It was time to deliver my baby. At 6:08am, on Monday, September 5, 2016, at 25 weeks and 5 days pregnant, my son, Brogan James Lee, was born. He weighed 2lbs 10oz and was 14in long with a full head of hair. They immediately took him back, and I had a strong feeling in my heart that he was okay. I was sure I would be going to see him in the NICU. I could not get to him fast enough!

God’s perfect peace continued to cover us as we entered the NICU. I looked in the plastic bed top without even hearing or seeing a single machine; this was a miracle within itself. We heard reports from his nurse and then his doctor. His doctor’s diagnosis was not easy for me to accept because he looked at us with no hope for our boy’s life. Yet, a week later this doctor said some things to us that displayed hope in his heart based on Brogan’s life—God remained present.

For 14 days, we were given the gift to be Brogan’s family this side of heaven. I spent every waking and sleeping moment with him. His sisters, friends, and family had opportunities to come visit him. Throughout these two weeks, God continuously planted seeds of hope that I am still discovering today. Brogan’s life here on earth was not easy, but he was brave. He was so strong with each up and down. Because of the strength Brogan displayed, we declared the lion as his animal and his verse was “Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9). Our son’s life was an actual display of this verse along with Hebrews 6:19. We found ourselves learning so much from him. We were watching as God used his life to bring people to prayer, nurses and other families to the Word, and a display of shining hope each time he defied a medical odd. God chose Brogan to grow our hearts toward Him.

The morning of September 19, Brogan’s doctor looked at us and said, “It is remarkable that he has responded like this.”

I learned later that Brogan had defied more odds than we realized during his short, yet powerful life. That night at 11:15, Brogan left my arms and went into the arms of Jesus. When Brogan’s tube was removed, we were given some of the greatest gifts—we saw his eyes and heard his voice for the first time. He clung to my sweater and nuzzled my chest. This moment was the worst moment for my earthly future and the most peaceful moment for the present time. There was a presence of peace and healing, and I knew that my son was no longer sick or in pain.

24 hours after our son went to be with the Lord, we were asked to walk out of the hospital without our fourth child. As our nurse and friend came in to hug me before handing Brogan over, she hugged Brogan at the same time with a cradled arm. As the hug released, she already had him in her arms—I didn’t have to hand him to her. This is how I picture me meeting Jesus and being reunited with my son. I now hold an image in my heart of Him standing and waiting with one arm extended for a hug and one arm cradling my son. As I step away from the hug, my son will be in my arms. Praise God for creating a forever home, a place I will hold my son forever—I will not have to say goodbye ever again.

God has remained greater than my fears through every step of my journey. As I have yelled and cried towards Him, He has given me grace and gifted me with moments we like to show, share, and see what we call Brogan love. I will never understand God’s choice for taking Brogan home so soon, but I will praise Him for asking me to be his Mommy. Each seed of hope God planted during Brogan’s life is allowing me to walk today as I am living out my greatest fear—life without my son—and surviving it. God wrote a smaller number of days in His book for Brogan than I would ever choose, but those days were Brogan big (Psalm 139:16)—days for Brogan to live out his purpose here on earth. Days for God to draw me closer to Him through loving my son, who is now my inspiration to keep living this life for Christ. I walk with hope and look forward to the day that I will meet Jesus as He holds my son. My days on earth are still being counted so my heart clings to God, the One who is carrying me gently through this life. I ask Him to please reveal His purpose for me and show me who He wants me to be in remembrance of Brogan at the beginning of every day, as I seek to live for God alone. I choose to honor the life that God gave Brogan and be his Mommy. My hope is to live in a way that our family likes to call the Brogan way by being strong and courageous (Joshua 1:9), being brave and sharing God’s love (1 John 4:16), and remaining anchored in the hope of the Lord (Hebrews 6:19).